i've often wondered: if i had the determination, courage and discipline to have pursued a career as a visual artist, would i be in a happier place than i'm in today? it's hard to say, really. i know that a lot of ppl dream of a career of doing something that they love for a living, and some ppl are lucky enough to have that. is it too late for me? i guess not. but the fear is still there. that fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, the fear of letting go.

 

i had a thought yesterday driving home from my parents' place in Milton: maybe happiness is in doing things that i wouldn't normally do, going to functions/parties/gatherings i wouldn't usually go to. i used to go out a lot on my own, and i had fun. one of the problems with being in a relationship is when i want to go out and share experiences with the one i'm supposed to be sharing a life with, if he doesn't want to share those experiences with me, what to i do? go out and try to enjoy myself wishing he was with me to see a side of me he rarely ever sees - or probably doesn't even know exists? maybe tonight i'll go out and make it a point not to think about what it would be like if he was with me. instead, i'll do what i did so many years ago: just go out to have fun and dance and watch people.

 

it just makes me sad to feel like i'm in this relationship but living seperate lives. is it just me, or is this more common than i realize?

so, here we are... 9 months after my last entry. so much has happened since then.

 

let's see... where to begin... the business is starting to pick up: rattailfilms.com  check it out, if u get the chance (which reminds me, i really should look into editing that website soon. some things aren't looking so right on the laptop, even if they do look nice on the mac.)

 

the day job (aka campbell's) is slow, but i'm still working there, so at least i can pay the bills!

and how the bills have increased... which comes to my next piece of news: Keith and i are now living in a condo in mississauga - complete with mortgage, valet parking, and 3 cats. yes, that's right, THREE. we love them to death. Corbin (the black panther. really, he's huge, but a big suck), Leeloo (little black and white curious critter who loves to terrorize the rats - or at least she tries) and Logan (the youngest, orange tabby. very cuddly.) oh, we still have the rats (well, i had one rat before: Roslyn. she died in feb. we got 2 more: Emma and Marley. they're feisty and don't cowar at the sight of the cats)

 

and that's my current living situation.

 

i recently went to a 25-year reunion of sorts. back in 1984, my grade school buried a time capsule. i was just over 5 years old at the time, in grade 1. needless to say, i can't remember much from my years at Byngmount, we moved while i was in grade 2. i think that the move effected me in a way that made me forget a lot of my friends. i vaguely remember some of them, i can remember first names, but not really faces. i did meet up with my old next door neighbour and close childhood friend. he and his family still live in that same house where i can recall the poodles his grandparents had, the speak-n-spell we used to play with in his living room while his mom watched over me and my sisters when my parents were at work, the fence between our houses - where we shared our first kiss at 5 years old. lol

that fence is so much shorter than i'd remembered, and the garage is so much closer to the house than i'd remembered.

 

having lost touch with my friends and thinking back to those years, i feel like part of me was lost when we left that house.

how different would things be if i'd gone to a different high school, if i'd stayed in touch with my best friends from childhood?

 

i'm grateful for the friends i have now and for the life i have now.

 

i don't know where i'm going with this entry. just typing thoughts out on a screen, like i've done before.

 

i guess i have to remember that change is good, and that things do happen for a reason. don't they? i wouldn't be who i am today if certain things hadn't happened.

i was never good at asking for what i want. and i don't think i was ever that great at showing affection. and it took someone i really care about to point that out to me. thinking things over, i can't help but wonder if that was the reason my ex ... is my ex. he never gave me a reason other than "something's missing" and our relationship had "become too much work" - and we were only together for 4 months. too much work... yet i was the one who always went out to him.

 

if he had told me the truth, that it was indeed me and not him, sure, i would've been devastated, and i would've hated him for it, but i would have learned from it and things now would be different. he still broke my heart, and i still hate him (for different reasons) but it didn't help me to change as a person. i still struggle with blunt affection. i guess i take it for granted that what i do on a regular basis is good enough. but it's more than that.

 

i've been hurt and disappointed too many times by so many ppl, in so many different ways that i expect that now, so i lose my enthusiasm and passion about things. instead, i ask half-heartedly for things, not expecting anyone to really follow through, and i brace myself for the disappointment when it doesn't happen. and the barrier continues to grow.

 

i wish i could rewind to when things mattered. i wish i could see the world through a toddler's eyes with awe and wonderment.

 

i wish this feeling of loneliness would just die.

 

today, i have to face work with a smile and hope that no one can see that i'm hurting inside - i'm not good at hiding that either.

today, i'd rather be alone.

hate you or love you

end it or continue

where are we now?

where did we go?

 

all i know is

i'm lost without you

and i really want to find myself again

 

maybe i'm better off alone.

sometimes i just want to feel taken care of.

i want to feel sexy, beautiful, loved.

 

instead, i feel lonely and bored and, sometimes, neglected and taken for granted. it's not true when i say i don't expect much from anyone. i do expect something - some degree of respect, gratitude, appreciation. i feel like the effort is lost. why does this happen? how do people keep that feeling alive? the passion? the excitement? the anticipation?

 

i do appreciate the little things, small acknowledgements here and there lift up my heart. tokens of appreciation: a card, a thoughtful gift, even a flower.

almost 3 years and i feel like something's gotten lost along the way.

 

i understand that it works both ways, and i try to keep my emotions in check.

like i said: i appreciate the little things, but it's also some of the little things that can get me down.

i don't feel like i'm being heard. i don't feel like i'm being taken seriously.

 

i feel like i'm falling to pieces.

i'm finding lately that things in my life aren't as organized as i'd like them to be. i never fully appreciated the importance of those agendas they'd give you back in school, and although i bought one back in feb. of this year, i don't use it as often as i'd like to. and i need to, in order to feel less overwhelmed with all that i need to get done in a day, week, month, etc. 'cos when you take a step back, and sort it all out, it really isn't all that much, is it? it's really just a whole lot of little things that need to get done at different times... (sorry, i just spent about an hour reading a Nick Hornby book and i'm finding myself typing in almost that style of writing...)

 

anyways, that's my thought at the moment. now to get to that list of things to do for today...

 

i don't have big boobs or a bubble butt

but i do have a big heart

so respect me and make me feel sexy

and i may just stick around

 

mistreat me or give me a reason to mistrust

and i will walk away.

i have hurt someone very close to me. all as a result of trying to protect myself. and now i hurt more than i've ever felt in my entire life. i never thought i'd feel so broken-hearted again and i'm finding it really hard to get through this.

 

i pushed you away and nothing that i do or say can express the regret and the heartache that i feel.

i have been selfish. i am a selfish person. i don't deserve your generosity or your pity or your love.

i have hit the bottom and i have nowhere to go.

 

i feel like i've lost you, and if this is true, please, be happy and successful. work at achieving your dreams.

 

i miss you.

i love you, always.

these past 2 days, i've been brewing up some thoughts that i wanted to get down in a journal of some kind - and since i type faster than i can write, i thought i'd add it here. however, i can't spend all the time i need right now to write this out so i will return with a lengthy entry updating certain events in my life and some of the somewhat profound (or not) thoughts (for lack of a better word at the moment) tossing around in my head.

yes, yes, it's been such a long time since i've added to this site. my reason: i haven't really been motivated to post anything up here. i guess the old days of updating here almost daily have long died off - what with my old job getting busy, and now that i'm working in a factory and i'm nowhere near a computer with internet access at work, and i rarely ever turn my home computer on when i'm not working... that was a long run-on... what was i saying again???

 

anyways, not much to report, i suppose. been busy living and trying to get my mind in order in the process. the state of my bedroom has suffered somewhat as i've accumulated some clutter in the passed months (perhaps an outward reflection on the thoughts accumulated in my head as well?)

 

many projects on the go as well as in planning mode...

 

painting is on hold (has been for a while now) i'm still knitting... silk screening is still going on somewhere in there as well, and i've acquired quite the video game collection (not as much as my dvd and cd collections, but the v/g's are making an appearance and starting to take up a corner in my room... do i have time to play these games? hardly, but they're there if i ever feel the need.) i'm still a movie addict tho.

 

life, i guess u could say, is good, and, while i never could quite get the "happy" in my life, i am getting there. i can't (or do not wish to) explain what that's supposed to mean, but the ppl i love the most might understand what i mean and that's all that really matters.

 

that's all for now, perhaps i will post more in another 6 months (or whatever.)

in the meantime, live, love, and smile. there's always tomorrow.

 

 

or is there?

so many things going on... it always seems that way. i feel the pressures of life, but they're not really pressures, are they? it's something i put on myself - "you do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts... you do it to yourself, you stupid girl!"

 

alas, one more day of work to get thru, then i'm off for 6 days (not including weekends and the holiday) about 60-65% of which will be spent on set doing make-up (and maybe other things) for this movie... small steps to something better (for me, for us, for everyone involved in this little production)

 

i feel a change in direction is needed, but i'm always tethered to the security of this job. yes, as sad as it is, i don't feel like i have a future here. i want to be out there, being creative, enjoying what i do - or doing what i enjoy. it's the sagittarian (& horse) in me, i suppose - not feeling tied down. and, in my current job situation, i feel ... stagnant.

 

so, i keep telling myself: try to look ahead. don't let anything or anyone hold you back.

 

it's not easy. but i'm trying.

i hardly write anything anymore. and when i do, it's nothing profound or that interesting to read. i dunno, maybe you (whoever you may be), reading this right now, find my words interesting, but ... i definitely feel like my job's become this plug in my once semi-creative life.

 

for a while now - many, many, many months - i've been going over my options in my head. yes, i have a business in the works, but no real education towards owning or running a business. too many things going on in my brain. i find it hard to focus on anything really important. all i want to do, actually, is knit. but i can't neglect the everyday tasks that take up my time.

 

work. not really a motivator in my life anymore... and was it ever? really? yes, i suppose so. it was, once upon a time, a means to some financial security. but now, the lack of job satisfaction is over-ruling my want of financial security.

 

i need to look at other options to getting financial support that will also allow me to pursue a field in creativity.

i should go back to school.

 

i know this job is holding me back. the question is: do i simply let go of this pseudo-secure job and see where that freedom takes me, or do i choose to continue my miserable existance in this desk/warehouse position and snail thru life hoping to one day achieve ... something other than this...?

 

i think i know the answer... it's just mustering the courage to actually take the steps toward a more fulfilling life...

well, not quite...

 

so, lots to update on...

registered a biz back in feb. WERID - as in We R ID. concentrating on silk screening (my bf's specialty), designing all sorts of merch-type stuff for ourselves and promo stuff for new artists/companies on a low budget... there's a wide range of things we'd like to do. right now, we're getting our footing, starting off small. we have quite a few ideas so far - i've been knitting up a storm too! (damn, knitting really is addictive!)

 

hmm... well, was that really lots in an update? no, i guess not... but it's quite a major thing.

 

also, catching up with friends, i've come to realize that i know a lot of ppl in the film industry! well, a handful of unknowns in the film industry, but still...

 

it's all about networking...

this feels like the beginning of something big...

ok, i'm pretty sure you all know by now about myspace (yeah, yeah, i know, old news) a great way to network with ppl in all walks of life - if used properly, that is!

and, well, i've added yet another site to my list (no, i don't have a list on this site... yet) and it's facebook! yes, i'm sure you know about this site too... but it's a great way to find those long lost friends/family... or ppl u used to go to school with, or u might've grown up with, etc.

 

hmm... is this the end of msn spaces???

no, i don't think so. not entirely.

i won't be updating this space (or any other space, for that matter) on a remotely regular basis - i used to update this site daily, if not weekly...

i've been really busy knitting (of all things) and spending time with people who are important in my life. (don't worry, Bradley, i haven't forgotten about you!!! when the weather clears up a bit, we've gotta hit a club one weekend for old time's sake! and i still have to meet the beau in your life!!!)

 

news to tell:

my bf and i've registered our business, and we've been working on merchandise stuff to sell and getting other things rolling.

my younger sister got engaged and plan to get married in early august of next year.

my neice is still as cute as ever - and growing up so fast!

painting's on hold for the time being - knitting seems to be my new creative outlet. :p

 

thanks for taking the time to drop by, and i'm sorry for not visiting others' sites often. i do try to pop by from time to time, but i do get weary of the computer by the time i get home all i really turn to is my knitting... wow, it would seem as tho i've become old in my "ripe" age of 28... lol

 

cheers, everyone, and i'll be back again with another update, hopefully before the snow melts???

so i've been neglecting this site (again)

 

with all the things going on right now, i've lost motivation to update any of my blog sites.

lately, my drive has turned elsewhere...

 

i've been on this real knitting frenzy since b4 christmas... and i'm still going...

 

a business plan is in the works, plus other collaborations with my filmmaker-artist-gallery-partner friend (even tho the gallery is no more, it might still be something to pick up later...)

 

not only has blogging suffered, painting and drawing has been on the back burner (still have oil painting #2 to finish!!!) and i'm long due for some catch-up time with a few of my closest friends.

 

i need to get my life organized...

my gut's telling me that something's up... and it scares me a little to feel this way. i don't know what it is, something big is going to happen, prbly something life-changing... but is it my gut or is it paranoia?

as part of my christmas present, my bf printed up a coupon good for some cash towards a new tattoo.

now, i've had this design in mind for years now, and i finally drew up the outline for it when i went to malaysia but i hadn't decided on a colour scheme for it. all i knew was that i wanted it to look like fire.

 

it just so happens that there's this small place in milton - where i live - called Dermagraphics by Paul. i checked out their website, and i've gotta say, very impressive artwork! i never actually set foot inside this tattoo parlour b4, only drove by and saw that it was there. we went in to get a price quote and the price we got was very reasonable but i didn't decide right away, and after a little... um... bickering about it, we went back and i booked a time to get it done.

 

long-ish story short: the artist added the colour as he applied the tattoo, it wasn't as painful as my other 2 tats were, and it took all of maybe 15 minutes! definitely the fastest time yet!

 

we'll be going back there for more ink work - that is, if i decide to get more...

 

it's a decent place, the artists are friendly, reasonably priced, and local! no need to drive out to toronto or hamilton for great talent!

---

it's almost christmas, once again, and while i'm not catholic, i do celebrate this time of year as a way to show appreciation towards my loved ones... (and to spoil my niece with little presents.)

 

i've said it before: this time of year has become so commercialized as to what to buy for that special someone (or special ppl). i've always been one to put a lot of thought behind a present - be it for a birthday, anniversary, mother's day, father's day... and, yes, christmas. i like to believe that gifts should be personal, even if it's a small thing. doesn't have to be expensive - homemade/handmade gifts tend to be the most valuable to me - even if it's just a little ornament that reminds me of some moment or joke i shared with somebody close, it touches the heart and it's something to treasure.

 

while it's nice to receive pretty things like jewelery, (no, this is not a hint to my bf that i want a ring or anything. really.) i was never one for jewelery. it looks nice, sure, and it's a nice gesture but something that important should really be saved for an especially important moment (and not just because it's christmas and a time for gift-giving.)

 

maybe i'm contradicting myself here: christmas is important to many ppl for many different reasons, some don't celebrate it because of other religious beliefs, and some hate the season because they just have that bah-humbug kind of approach to the generally good-feeling it's supposed to bring. i could go on and on about how society has come to exploit the holiday for their own purposes... but i really don't want to get into it - besides, i'm already starting to lose my whole point of entering this post to begin with!

 

christmas. for me, it's a time to spend with those closest to me, and also a time to reflect on the past year. it is a time of generosity and overall good-heartedness, but really, the whole year should be about generosity and good-heartedness to the less fortunate, don't you agree? moments like these shouldn't be saved for just one time of the year... and, i suppose, the same can be said about loved ones and reflection as well.

 

so, there really isn't a point to this blog... just wanted to type something about the season, i guess. heh.

ok, so i was never one to make a big deal out of my birthday... big parties for me kinda stopped when i turned 12. i love going out and celebrating other ppl's bdays, but when it comes to my own, i dunno... i think it stems from the fact that i'm a terrible party planner. i've tried to plan parties, but they never had big turnouts so i don't do that anymore.

 

this year, i'm planning (ha!) to celebrate with friends the week after - mostly because december seems to be the birthday month for our little crew - and if we don't, then it gets a little too expensive going out every weekend for someone's birthday along with all the christmas shopping to add to that...

 

however, for this weekend, i have nothing planned - personally. the work week's had me so drained lately that i don't want to have to decide on what to do. anything can be fun as long as it isn't work... (and doesn't require much brain power on my part... hehe)

 

dinner, movie, games, drinks with friends, having a good time... whatever. it's all good =)

right-o, so that's my little blurb for now...

 

happy birthday me!  ;p

hmm... i'd received an email from my bank. here's what it said:

We would like to remind you that you haven't accepted changes to our Privacy Agreement. Sign into the Online Services now to ensure you've revised and accepted these changes as it is significant.

Note that not accepting our new Privacy Agreement can result in additional fees, delayed processing times and sometimes account cancellations.

To review our New Privacy Agreement please Click Here

Thank you for using us as your financial institution.

i've deleted the institution's name for security purposes.
a few things came to mind when i read this email.
mainly: this sounds really sketchy. if there's any new privacy agreement, they usually send it along with my bank statement via snail-mail, also, the whole "additional fees, delayed processing times and account cancellations" doesn't sound like a bank who's trying to keep a 10yr client happy...

so, i clicked the link and guess what: the url was not www.[mybank].com but http://www.hello-japan.tv/[something-or-other]/index.html which looks exactly like the sign on for my bank except that the button image didn't appear. i've read about such scams before, but i was never a victim of any such thing.

as a warning to all of you who might've received any emails from your financial institution: check the url (web address) of the link the email sends you to. my particular bank doesn't state an email address for me to contact them about this issue, which is why i posted this entry.

thanks for reading!

to any regular visitors looking for artwork - sorry, i haven't painted in a looooong time. been busy learning to knit things other than scarves... hehe...