cinderbug creations

i've often wondered: if i had the determination, courage and discipline to have pursued a career as a visual artist, would i be in a happier place than i'm in today? it's hard to say, really. i know that a lot of ppl dream of a career of doing something that they love for a living, and some ppl are lucky enough to have that. is it too late for me? i guess not. but the fear is still there. that fear of the unknown, the fear of failure, the fear of letting go.

 

i had a thought yesterday driving home from my parents' place in Milton: maybe happiness is in doing things that i wouldn't normally do, going to functions/parties/gatherings i wouldn't usually go to. i used to go out a lot on my own, and i had fun. one of the problems with being in a relationship is when i want to go out and share experiences with the one i'm supposed to be sharing a life with, if he doesn't want to share those experiences with me, what to i do? go out and try to enjoy myself wishing he was with me to see a side of me he rarely ever sees - or probably doesn't even know exists? maybe tonight i'll go out and make it a point not to think about what it would be like if he was with me. instead, i'll do what i did so many years ago: just go out to have fun and dance and watch people.

 

it just makes me sad to feel like i'm in this relationship but living seperate lives. is it just me, or is this more common than i realize?

so, here we are... 9 months after my last entry. so much has happened since then.

 

let's see... where to begin... the business is starting to pick up: rattailfilms.com  check it out, if u get the chance (which reminds me, i really should look into editing that website soon. some things aren't looking so right on the laptop, even if they do look nice on the mac.)

 

the day job (aka campbell's) is slow, but i'm still working there, so at least i can pay the bills!

and how the bills have increased... which comes to my next piece of news: Keith and i are now living in a condo in mississauga - complete with mortgage, valet parking, and 3 cats. yes, that's right, THREE. we love them to death. Corbin (the black panther. really, he's huge, but a big suck), Leeloo (little black and white curious critter who loves to terrorize the rats - or at least she tries) and Logan (the youngest, orange tabby. very cuddly.) oh, we still have the rats (well, i had one rat before: Roslyn. she died in feb. we got 2 more: Emma and Marley. they're feisty and don't cowar at the sight of the cats)

 

and that's my current living situation.

 

i recently went to a 25-year reunion of sorts. back in 1984, my grade school buried a time capsule. i was just over 5 years old at the time, in grade 1. needless to say, i can't remember much from my years at Byngmount, we moved while i was in grade 2. i think that the move effected me in a way that made me forget a lot of my friends. i vaguely remember some of them, i can remember first names, but not really faces. i did meet up with my old next door neighbour and close childhood friend. he and his family still live in that same house where i can recall the poodles his grandparents had, the speak-n-spell we used to play with in his living room while his mom watched over me and my sisters when my parents were at work, the fence between our houses - where we shared our first kiss at 5 years old. lol

that fence is so much shorter than i'd remembered, and the garage is so much closer to the house than i'd remembered.

 

having lost touch with my friends and thinking back to those years, i feel like part of me was lost when we left that house.

how different would things be if i'd gone to a different high school, if i'd stayed in touch with my best friends from childhood?

 

i'm grateful for the friends i have now and for the life i have now.

 

i don't know where i'm going with this entry. just typing thoughts out on a screen, like i've done before.

 

i guess i have to remember that change is good, and that things do happen for a reason. don't they? i wouldn't be who i am today if certain things hadn't happened.

i was never good at asking for what i want. and i don't think i was ever that great at showing affection. and it took someone i really care about to point that out to me. thinking things over, i can't help but wonder if that was the reason my ex ... is my ex. he never gave me a reason other than "something's missing" and our relationship had "become too much work" - and we were only together for 4 months. too much work... yet i was the one who always went out to him.

 

if he had told me the truth, that it was indeed me and not him, sure, i would've been devastated, and i would've hated him for it, but i would have learned from it and things now would be different. he still broke my heart, and i still hate him (for different reasons) but it didn't help me to change as a person. i still struggle with blunt affection. i guess i take it for granted that what i do on a regular basis is good enough. but it's more than that.

 

i've been hurt and disappointed too many times by so many ppl, in so many different ways that i expect that now, so i lose my enthusiasm and passion about things. instead, i ask half-heartedly for things, not expecting anyone to really follow through, and i brace myself for the disappointment when it doesn't happen. and the barrier continues to grow.

 

i wish i could rewind to when things mattered. i wish i could see the world through a toddler's eyes with awe and wonderment.

 

i wish this feeling of loneliness would just die.

 

today, i have to face work with a smile and hope that no one can see that i'm hurting inside - i'm not good at hiding that either.

today, i'd rather be alone.

hate you or love you

end it or continue

where are we now?

where did we go?

 

all i know is

i'm lost without you

and i really want to find myself again

 

maybe i'm better off alone.

sometimes i just want to feel taken care of.

i want to feel sexy, beautiful, loved.

 

instead, i feel lonely and bored and, sometimes, neglected and taken for granted. it's not true when i say i don't expect much from anyone. i do expect something - some degree of respect, gratitude, appreciation. i feel like the effort is lost. why does this happen? how do people keep that feeling alive? the passion? the excitement? the anticipation?

 

i do appreciate the little things, small acknowledgements here and there lift up my heart. tokens of appreciation: a card, a thoughtful gift, even a flower.

almost 3 years and i feel like something's gotten lost along the way.

 

i understand that it works both ways, and i try to keep my emotions in check.

like i said: i appreciate the little things, but it's also some of the little things that can get me down.

i don't feel like i'm being heard. i don't feel like i'm being taken seriously.

 

i feel like i'm falling to pieces.

i'm finding lately that things in my life aren't as organized as i'd like them to be. i never fully appreciated the importance of those agendas they'd give you back in school, and although i bought one back in feb. of this year, i don't use it as often as i'd like to. and i need to, in order to feel less overwhelmed with all that i need to get done in a day, week, month, etc. 'cos when you take a step back, and sort it all out, it really isn't all that much, is it? it's really just a whole lot of little things that need to get done at different times... (sorry, i just spent about an hour reading a Nick Hornby book and i'm finding myself typing in almost that style of writing...)

 

anyways, that's my thought at the moment. now to get to that list of things to do for today...

 

i don't have big boobs or a bubble butt

but i do have a big heart

so respect me and make me feel sexy

and i may just stick around

 

mistreat me or give me a reason to mistrust

and i will walk away.

i have hurt someone very close to me. all as a result of trying to protect myself. and now i hurt more than i've ever felt in my entire life. i never thought i'd feel so broken-hearted again and i'm finding it really hard to get through this.

 

i pushed you away and nothing that i do or say can express the regret and the heartache that i feel.

i have been selfish. i am a selfish person. i don't deserve your generosity or your pity or your love.

i have hit the bottom and i have nowhere to go.

 

i feel like i've lost you, and if this is true, please, be happy and successful. work at achieving your dreams.

 

i miss you.

i love you, always.

these past 2 days, i've been brewing up some thoughts that i wanted to get down in a journal of some kind - and since i type faster than i can write, i thought i'd add it here. however, i can't spend all the time i need right now to write this out so i will return with a lengthy entry updating certain events in my life and some of the somewhat profound (or not) thoughts (for lack of a better word at the moment) tossing around in my head.

yes, yes, it's been such a long time since i've added to this site. my reason: i haven't really been motivated to post anything up here. i guess the old days of updating here almost daily have long died off - what with my old job getting busy, and now that i'm working in a factory and i'm nowhere near a computer with internet access at work, and i rarely ever turn my home computer on when i'm not working... that was a long run-on... what was i saying again???

 

anyways, not much to report, i suppose. been busy living and trying to get my mind in order in the process. the state of my bedroom has suffered somewhat as i've accumulated some clutter in the passed months (perhaps an outward reflection on the thoughts accumulated in my head as well?)

 

many projects on the go as well as in planning mode...

 

painting is on hold (has been for a while now) i'm still knitting... silk screening is still going on somewhere in there as well, and i've acquired quite the video game collection (not as much as my dvd and cd collections, but the v/g's are making an appearance and starting to take up a corner in my room... do i have time to play these games? hardly, but they're there if i ever feel the need.) i'm still a movie addict tho.

 

life, i guess u could say, is good, and, while i never could quite get the "happy" in my life, i am getting there. i can't (or do not wish to) explain what that's supposed to mean, but the ppl i love the most might understand what i mean and that's all that really matters.

 

that's all for now, perhaps i will post more in another 6 months (or whatever.)

in the meantime, live, love, and smile. there's always tomorrow.